Turquoise Tuesday...

Valentine's Day Cookies.

I doubled this recipe and forgot to double the flour :) So, after a batch of pancake cookies I finally figured it out and remedied the situation.

Crisis averted.

RE

Vegas.

Amber and I made a quick (yet marvelous) decision to head out to Vegas for the weekend. We celebrated Amber's birthday, enjoyed the sun, shopped and relaxed.
It as an excellent weekend packed full with good food, manicures, pedicures, massages and staying up all night talking and laughing.

It started snowing on the way home.  We stopped to get lunch in Beaver and looked super cool in sandals and t-shirts while snowflakes the size of my face were falling.

RE

Snowboarding

Amber invited me to spend the day at the Canyons two weeks ago. It was absolutely gorgeous.

I'm not a very good snowboarder! But, I try. :) My poor body is still recovering. But, I made it off the lift a whole THREE times without falling and rolling out of the way! Which is, sadly, improvement.

RE

Jess' 1/2 Birthday

Last year I surprised Jess with a 1/2 birthday dinner.  Her birthday is July 8th and we never get to celebrate it together.  She was in Uganda last summer and will be in Switzerland this summer, so I decided to do another dinner...it was just a month late.

I don't know how I was so dumb, Jessica and I were at dinner with Wendy when I brought up her 1/2 birthday.

Me "I can't wait to celebrate your 1/2 birthday!"
Jess "It's already passed..."
Me "No it hasn't, your birthday is in July. So, August, September, October, November, December, January and then February!" (Don't worry, I was counting on my hands and had seven fingers up at this point)
Jess "Right Rach...that's seven months"
Me "Right. ........................ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

Anyways, it was a little late, but it was fun. I made goat cheese and sun dried tomato stuffed pork. And everyone else brought sides. I thoroughly enjoyed catching up with everyone throughout the evening.

I made a 13 layer cake for dessert. It was my first time making it, and everyone was kind about the layer that was way too crunchy :)

Happy 1/2 Birthday Jess! I love you mucho. She's such a good friend, I'm lucky to have her in my life!

RE

The Month of Love...

“This Valentine’s Day you should go see that scary movie that’s coming out, buy some good ice cream and take a hot bath. You don’t have to deal with any of that love nonsense if you don’t want to!”

While this statement was made with the best of intentions, I wasn’t quite sure how to respond. You see, in August I broke off my engagement…two weeks before the wedding. It was heartbreaking. I know that I was the one to break it off, but I was hurt and felt betrayed. I was so excited to bring a whole new family into my life and love them for eternity. I tried my absolute hardest, but that love was never reciprocated. I worked so hard to change to finally gain the approval and love of those that I was seeking that from. Many tears were shed. Tears of frustration, tears of anxiety, tears of pain and tears of exasperation. Breaking off the engagement was the best decision and the hardest decision I have ever made. I was told by a church leader that if I really loved my fiancé, I would walk away because the engagement was not right and our relationship was no longer of God. A love of God is between a man and a woman, with no wedges. It is the responsibility of the man and the woman to get rid of those wedges immediately if they wish their marriage to be successful and covenant abiding.

I am so grateful for him and his wise words. He later expressed that they were hard for him to say that he was almost afraid to take such a strong stance. Luckily, he did. He said exactly what I needed to hear.

But see, the next part is the most interesting part of the story. As I walked away from the man that I loved more than anything in this world I expected to spiral into a loveless, dark and dreary time in my life. To my surprise, I was surrounded with more love than I had felt in the previous four months, combined.

My mom cried with me and let me cry into her lap on the drive home. She made me a bed on her bedroom floor, just in case I was having a sleepless night and needed that comfort that I needed so often when I was younger and had a scary dream. She offered to sleep in my bed with me, if I needed her.

My dad protected me and defended me. As I drove with them that night I laid down in the backseat and just closed my eyes.  The song “I’m a Believer” from the Shrek soundtrack came on the radio and he immediately changed the station. His had was ninja fast to the radio. My mom said, “Hey! I liked that song!” he responded and said “No songs about love right now. I don’t want her to feel worse than she already does.” He came into my room over the next few days when I was laying in bed all pathetic like and crying just to sit with me and listen.

My parents kept telling me how proud they were of me. 

My brother came home that night with my favorite ice cream in hand. He sat in bed with me and we played games until I was so tired I knew I would go right to sleep.

My nana stood out of her chair and shouted hallelujah when I told her. Came to me and held me and told me, “I am so happy for you. You never have to be told that you are not good enough again” and my Bobba told me how proud he was of me being strong enough to do this and let me know that I had everything to gain in the future.

My aunt talked with me outside of her house. We started talking when it was light and stopped talking when it was dark. She also told me how proud she was of me and related experiences from her own life to let me know that I was not alone in feeling the way I was feeling throughout the time I was engaged.

I had cousins, friends and complete strangers open their arms, their homes and their kayaks to me. I was literally and figuratively surrounded and embraced by love.

A woman gave me a hug in church, sat down behind me and said, “I want you to know how proud I am of you. And how grateful I am that you have been such an incredible example to my daughter.”

I didn’t feel like an example. I felt like an embarrassment. I felt ashamed and sad. I wanted to go bury myself in the 150+ pounds of tri-tip my parents had bought for the reception while wearing the gorgeous wedding dress that my mom had spent a LOT of money on.

People let me know that they understood, that I wasn’t alone, that I was always loved. There was an outpouring of love, relief and pride in my decision from all of those around me. People that I didn’t know and people that I didn’t know knew me reached out to me. When I called to cancel the sealing ceremony the woman said, "I just feel like I need to tell you that you will be calling again to make an appointment. Your Heavenly Father loves you. You are doing the right thing."

I will never be able to adequately express what those weeks felt like.

My mom quietly and inconspicuously tied together all of the loose ends that needed to be tied together. She did the cancelling, the writing, the refunding, the returning, the stamping and the sending without ever making me feel guilty or even mentioning the time and effort that she had to put into the details of cancelling the wedding I had called of. 

I didn’t wear hardly any makeup or eat hardly any food for a week. And those around me put up with my random outbursts of tears and loved me anyways.

Amazingly, it was in those weeks that I felt a revival of that belief and hope of love. I had been told for so long that the essence of who I was, was “wrong”. The idea that someone could love me, for me and not ask me to change intrinsic principles and traits to please others was foreign. The idea that those that I was desperately seeking approval from would reach out to me and love me, was absolutely absurd.

In the weeks and months after I broke off my engagement the idea of a healthy, reciprocated love was a hopeful thought rather than an impossible and unattainable idea. 

I love love. I will always love love. I am so grateful for those in my life that have loved me and that do love me. I learned so much throughout this experience and I am hopeful about love. My ideas and outlooks have changed and I have grown, but I will always love love.

I will never go see a scary movie on Valentines Day and curse men while eating a gallon of ice cream. ((I don’t even really like most ice cream))

Like my pal Alfred Lord Tennyson said in his Poem  "In Memoriam"

I hold it ture, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

Cheers!

RE