Mr. Dude...

I have hesitated doing this for a while, seeing as my blog is public and all. But, the time has come. I always share my worst, most horrible dates with coworkers, friends and family. Some are just too good not to share. See, I have this really great talent. If you want to find a secret psycho/narcissist/master manipulator/overall creep here are the steps you should follow.

1. Bring me with you into a room
2. Wait
3. The boy/man that is attracted to me is your guy.
4. Wait.
5. After our first, second or third date, it will come out. 
(They may be sneaky about hiding it, but it is there)

Well, my mom has always told me that if you think something is everyone else, it is probably you. Does that make sense? So, maybe I’m psycho/narcissistic/a master manipulator/a creep but these stories are just too awesomely painful not to share. I mean, if anything you can look at your significant other and just be so grateful they would never be attracted to me.

I also wish that I could show you pictures of these guys, like really. But, at risk of being sued for defamation of character or something ridiculous I will not. Maybe I could draw them? Oh wait, I can’t draw. So, for now they will be called my nicknames.

If you happen to be one of the guys that I discuss, please take this as some constructive criticism or just find a girl that likes your kind of crazy. We are all crazy in our own way, but unfortunately your crazy did not meet up with my crazy. Such is life. You tell your friends how ridiculous I am, really. I encourage it.

Finally, there are many great dates that I have been on. I have sincerely loved so many of the guys that have taken me out. I am so grateful for the good and the bad. Really, I am. The bad dates make the good ones so much better.

Anyways, on to the good stuff.

So, let us discuss Mr. Dude. A good friend invited me on a double date. I had met the guy that she was going on a date with, nice enough guy. Cute, fun and seemed like he had his life together. She told me that a friend of his thought that I was cute (not quite sure where he saw me, considering my FB page was on security lockdown…) but, I thought, “hey, why not!” Attempting to be open and willing to meet new people, I decided to go.



The night before the date I received a FB message from Mr. Dude.

“Hey Rachel, I'm * obviously. I understand you will be joining us tomorrow for the famous karaoke night. I just wanted to introduce myself beforehand. Have a great day and I'll see you tomorrow night. :)”








Nice & polite! Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky.

After work, I head over to the restaurant to meet everyone. I walk to the table where everyone is seated and find that it is a group of four boys (one more on the way), my good friend and myself. I awkwardly take my seat as Mr. Dude is talking with his friends. I say hello to my friend and her date and then introduce myself to Mr. Dude.

We are sitting next to one another, which makes conversation awkward. But, what makes it even more awkward is that I am on the end of the table and he has turned his shoulders to his friends on the other end of the table. Conversation with your back, Mr. Dude, is not very enjoyable.

That’s fine. I talk with my friend I talk with her date. When Mr. Dude decides to graciously bestow his conversational skills upon me it goes like this…

We talk about majors…

I ask him, “So, you are still in school, right? What are you studying?”

“Family life”

“You couldn’t even say that with a straight face, no you are not!”

“Yes, I am”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I want to be a marriage and family counselor”

“Oh, my dad does that.”

“…He does? I’m lying. Crap, now it’s not that funny…”

……..No, not that funny.

So, he turns back around and talks with his friend. He needed some recovery time. He promptly repeats the conversation to his bros. Gotta laugh about it right, make sure it’s not too awkward?

Well, my friend’s date is discussing what he wants to sing for karaoke. He hands me a list to look through. Attempting to include my “date” in the conversation I show him the list.

He says, “Oh, I would not sing karaoke unless it was a N***** rap.”

……..no response from me. I am just staring at the page channeling my inward rage into my death stare. I knew that if I responded I would either

1. Swear
2. Verbally berate and attempt to humiliate him
Or
3. Punch him right in his big schnauze. (And yes, it was rather large)

(Which brings me to another side note. I have a rather large nose as well, two people with large noses is just not a good gene pool to start)

Mr. Dude, I am actually rather glad that you decided to use such a derogatory and absolutely appalling racial slur within the first 30 minutes of our meeting. I can see a little bit into the real you, and you are not so sneaky anymore, are ya?

Well, as to not bore you with all of the scrumptious details the rest of the night consisted of....

• The four boys (excluding my friend’s date) flirting with our waitress to get free food (They just love her so much, they’ve been coming here for a long time)
• Mr. Dude pulling out his phone and texting then proceeding to talk about a girl that is just PSYCHO that can’t get over him (poor girl, please let’s have a chat, you can do so much better)
• Mr. Dude starting about every sentence with “DUDE!”(But, seeing as every sentence was directed towards his friends, it makes perfect sense)
• Mr. Dude continuing to joke/lie in response to any question that I asked, attempting to get to know him better (really a great tool on a first date. *sarcasm)
• Mr. Dude telling his friend about SUPER CUTE chick he met that he is FOR SURE going to take out
• Mr. Dude getting up from his seat and walking to the far end of the table to talk with his friend. “Don’t worry, I’ll be back” (Really, don't worry about coming back.)

OH WAIT! He let me know of his financial bonuses if he scores well on his CPA exams. He said, “So, I might actually study for this one” impresssssive.(Is the financial bonus supposed to impress me? I could care less if you have $20,000 or $1,000,000 nothing can make up for your lack or social tact and decency).

He got his check first, I told him, “Oh no, let me pay for mine” To which, I received no response.

That’s because he wasn’t paying for mine! Who was I kidding. I got my bill a minute later from our waitress. I promptly paid my bill said goodbye to my friend and her date. Walked down the table and waved goodbye (seeing as he was standing at the end of the table to talk to his friend).

“Oh, you are leaving?!”

Damn right I’m leaving.

If he thought I was horribly unattractive and a bore, that is fine. But, suck it up and be a gentleman. Who was your father? Your mother? Were you just an orphan? Because the social norms of dating, common decency and common courtesy were obviously way over your head or just never taught to you.

Or maybe you would rather just start every sentence with "Dude" as you sit around with your mildly attractive guy friends for the rest of your life. I wish you the best of luck on that endeavor and truly believe you will find great success in this pursuit. You are, already, a seasoned champ, dude.

RE